My first English Poem

[Big brotheR]

hey, mates. i hope you like this poem. It it the first poem i have ever written. actually, i wrote a very nice one, at least for me, but i lost it, That is why i decided to publish this on in order to save it at least in the forum.







Where foul is fair.







A kid went to buy a chewing gum
On his way, he noticed people run
Everyone shouted, “RUN! RUN!”
The little kid did not care
-Did he dare?
-But it is not fair?
-Fair? What fair?
-We only talk of fear
Here, mate, foul is fair.


A little kid was found dead

-----------With only ten shots in the head.




plz i want your criticism and opinions,


yours

[SEES]

I can not critisize u
it is realy wonderful
meanful
nice words and great feeling
Go on

[Big brotheR]

listen SEES, when we talk about :critcism" or "literary criticsim", it does not necessarily mean we talk about the bad things of a ****. critcisim is defined as "The practice of analyzing, classifying, interpreting, or evaluating literary or other artistic works". simply speaking, it is " the interpretation and evaluation of literature and the arts" it is different from when you criticise someone. Personally, i use it to talk about why i like a **** or a work of literature :rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes:



Got it?

[injured_heart1]

its wonderful big brother

i wnjoy it,but it may be sad

go on

[Eng. Sameer]

this poem realy fantastic but i like to be critical.
i think (only ten) is not good, ten is plural of plural and not shared with only becuase only use small things or small figures. i don't know if it sarcasm or not.

[Big brotheR]

i got your point, semsem

but "only" was used to attack the zionists murderer who kill kids with live bullets, Of course "ten" is too many bullets. But for the zionists it is noting, they only pull the trigger and the ten shots kill whomever they want

thanks for you comments

[mona abdul]

its a very good and expressive poem, is it rally ur first poem ?if yes go on ur really clever.

[Big brotheR]

yep,

honestly, it is the second one. The first one i wrote was lost. it was nice(at least to me)

[Jehad]

Where foul is fair.

A kid went to buy a chewing gum
On his way, he noticed people run
Everyone shouted, “RUN! RUN!”
The little kid did not care
-Did he dare?
-But it is not fair?
-Fair? What fair?
-We only talk of fear
Here, mate, foul is fair.

A little kid was found dead
With only ten shots in the head.

nice poem Big Brother ..
I hope u give us more and more of these effictive words..

[rana]

hey
It's touching

[Big brotheR]

hey
It's touching


really?? i am happy to hear this. but what is touching in the poem?? tell me and lets talk a litte about poetry!!

i have some other poems, too

[jerusalem lady]

mayB she means that it's m0ving
it's an expresi0n t0 express that a pers0n is extremely affected

[Big brotheR]

JL, thanks for clarifying, i already know what the word means!! :)

[rawad]

OOOOOOOh my brother, this is a lovely words.:zwaai02: Thank you so much for your beloved poem, but !!!
you asked us to crisitize your poem, but we don't know any thing about Criticism:11ying: . you have to teach us (because you are expert) and then we will crisitize your poems later ....
I will write something later the elecricity is going to be off within five minutes
see you soon :11umbup:

[Eng. Sameer]

what's the problem rawad. why you din't criticise your teatcher. didn't listen about the student that he succed more than his teacher. it's no problem you should criticise you teacher now. there is no person don't err.
big brother was my best teacher and between his age and my age appr. 12 years, but i tried to criticise him. my best thing i do in school is criticisming teachers. i like to do that, but without shouting or insulting.

[rawad]

hi semsem,
I appreciate what you said, of courrse there is no problem to criticize your teacher, but I was not talking about shallow/depthless criticism. There are a lot of English teachers did their master degree and/or PhD degree in literature and criticism. At least the Big brother has an advanced knowldge in this issue, so we need to get some information from his valuable warehouse:lam:
Yes, I liked his words too much, and of course I liked your comments too much. Please feel free to comment on my posts as you want

Have a nice lunch :11retcher:

[Big brotheR]

Rawad,

I do not want professional criticism, which is hard even on those who study it like me,

i just want you to tell what you liked and what you disliked and why!!

[rawad]

Hi Big brother,
It is up to you, I will drop a light point as you mentioned
The most part I liked was

The little kid did not care
-Did he dare?

Actually, It moved me. I imagined the Palesinian kids where they are playing, walking, living, and making every thing in a very difficult situations
May Allah help them

Thanks big brother for giving us the chance to criticise you :yahoo:

[Johnderondon]

I liked it, B-B.

If it`s truly your second effort then well done indeed!

Where foul is fair.

A kid went to buy a chewing gum
On his way, he noticed people run
Everyone shouted, “RUN! RUN!”
The little kid did not care
-Did he dare?
-But it is not fair?
-Fair? What fair?
-We only talk of fear
Here, mate, foul is fair.

A little kid was found dead
With only ten shots in the head.

I think you can be proud of it. But since you have asked for criticism...

I liked the way you broke the rhythm in the middle of the poem. I like that it is short and punchy. And I liked the soundplay around `fair` and `fear` which pleases the ear. I thought it was emotive and the end has the shock you were looking for.

I`m not sure about the familiar tone of `kid` and `mate`. I think these terms are too casual for the serious subject and conflict with the message of the poem. The word `mate` in particular has connotations of reassurance which clashes with the theme and seems out of place. `friend` would scan better too. I agree that `ten` is too artificial and lends little to the effect. In the last line the word `the` might be better as `his`.

Overall I think it is excellent, B-B. I am looking forward to seeing more of your poetry. :11umbup:

It`s also very brave of you to offer it up to us for criticism.

[Big brotheR]

I liked it, B-B.

If it`s truly your second effort then well done indeed!



I think you can be proud of it. But since you have asked for criticism...

I liked the way you broke the rhythm in the middle of the poem. I like that it is short and punchy. And I liked the soundplay around `fair` and `fear` which pleases the ear. I thought it was emotive and the end has the shock you were looking for.

I`m not sure about the familiar tone of `kid` and `mate`. I think these terms are too casual for the serious subject and conflict with the message of the poem. The word `mate` in particular has connotations of reassurance which clashes with the theme and seems out of place. `friend` would scan better too. I agree that `ten` is too artificial and lends little to the effect. In the last line the word `the` might be better as `his`.

Overall I think it is excellent, B-B. I am looking forward to seeing more of your poetry. :11umbup:

It`s also very brave of you to offer it up to us for criticism.

well well,

i am flattered. thanks abunch

may be we will meet soon and talk about this,.

i have only tow other poems

c u later

[Extra Sugar]

youre really ur Big Brother bb

[hesham]

really it's nice poem
i like it
thnx so much

[little voice]

Great jom Mr BB

I liked it very mush

Go on :11umbup:

u have a bright future in this

I wish I could write the same:D

thank u

[khawla]

nice realy i like it very much

[khawla]

i think it have a big moral and i understand it

[isra]

Here, mate, foul is fair.
can u explain it?
do u mean ' foul ' is reffer to mate or to kid's fear???

[shatha]

OH! It,s good the meaning acurret, the language, style was simple & easy everyone can understand it .
It,s have amusical sounds by the rhyme & the rhythme , you manipulate the words in agood way to show the reader your ownfeeling,then the others' to motivate them to imagen the picture which you drow.The poem, the potery , the verse in general literature moves the emotion , because it's enter the heart quickly . SO that's the best choice to seperate the issues the" PAL ISUSSES ." KEEP TRYING BB , THANKS.

[Sameeha]

hey, mates. i hope you like this poem. It it the first poem i have ever written. actually, i wrote a very nice one, at least for me, but i lost it, That is why i decided to publish this on in order to save it at least in the forum.







Where foul is fair.







A kid went to buy a chewing gum
On his way, he noticed people run
Everyone shouted, “RUN! RUN!”
The little kid did not care
-Did he dare?
-But it is not fair?
-Fair? What fair?
-We only talk of fear
Here, mate, foul is fair.


A little kid was found dead

-----------With only ten shots in the head.




plz i want your criticism and opinions,


yours







Short, deep and touchy

When was it written??

[_romeo_]

good one
but I have a question

in the last line you said "With only ten shots in the head."

why you used ONLY
I mean ten shots are a lot for a small head

[Big brotheR]

Short, deep and touchy

When was it written??

roughly four years ago

[Big brotheR]

good one
but I have a question

in the last line you said "With only ten shots in the head."

why you used ONLY
I mean ten shots are a lot for a small head

you should have got the irony, man

[alla*]

u do have a talent

u have to change ur attitude
and start writing , we need ur collection sooooooooooooooooooooooooooon :)

[Sameeha]

you should have got the irony, man

Yeah, this word is like the most effective one in the whole poem

[Sameeha]

u do have a talent

u have to change ur attitude
and start writing , we need ur collection sooooooooooooooooooooooooooon :)

:D:D:D let's collect them and make a collection for Mr. BB, Alaa
What do you think ?

[alla*]

:D:D:D

why not
if he didn't want to make his own
we can just collect them
then signed
compiled by
Alla' T S
Sameeha G E

[Big brotheR]

maybe you will change you opinions if you see my second poem :(

[alla*]

no , never

we trust u

[asmaa2]

more than wonderful
if the first one was very majestic, what about the others?